Book Reviews
Positive Discipline: The classic guide to helping children develop self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation and problem-solving skills by Jane Nelson, Ed.D. This approach to parenting really speaks to me, so I'm not only using it with my own child, I'm also teaching it to other parents in my community. This book asks us to consider our long term goals as parents. What kind of people do you want your kids to be. Sure, punishment and reward systems get the job done (usually), but do they contribute to your child's self-confidence, social skills and ability to problem-solve? If you read no other parenting book, give this one a try.
Taming Your Gremlin: A surprisingly simple method for getting out of your own way by Rick Carson. This book addresses that little person we carry around inside who says "that's not safe," "you're not going to be able to finish this," "you're not strong enough," etc. etc. The "gremlin" that Mr. Carson refers to is also called the "inner critic." Our gremlin's job is to keep us stuck in our limiting belief systems and make us feel inadequate. Mr. Carson dishes up a system for confronting the gremlin and beating it at its own game, leading to improved self-esteem, increased success and better relationships. An easy read, often humorous, but beware...there's some homework involved and "you know who" will tell you it isn't worth the trouble. It is.
Inspiring Creativity: An anthology of powerful insights and practical ideas to guide you to succesful creating edited by Rick Benzel. Every once in awhile a book just bowls me over and this was one of them. (please check out my "Creativity" entry below). Highly recommended for all you frustrated creative types out there and really a satisfing read for everyone else. I won't get up on my soapbox about creativity, but I DO believe that we are all creatively capable but we've either had it drummed out of us by others or we lack the belief system which enables us to consider ourselves creative. That being said, this book is full of practical advice and ideas for increasing your creativity.
Small Wonder by Barbara Kingsolver. A dear friend gave me this book of essays several years ago and I decided then and there that Barbara Kingsolver is my smarter, richer and more eloquent soul-mate. She has the rare gift of bringing up the tough issues (especially regarding the environment) without leaving me hopeless and bedraggled. She understands that we must find that tender balance between shock/dismay about what is happening in the world and hopefulness that we can make a difference.
Please e-mail me to let me know about books you are reading or that you'd like me to review here. Happy reading!
Be who you are
"Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have
more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want so
that they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse.
You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want."---Margaret Young, American Singer 1900-1969
Are
you being who you really are? Doing what you need to be doing? Do you
have what you want? These are some basic questions I regularly ask my
Coaching clients. Often a big roadblock is that many people haven't
figured out who they are and what they want. So how do you figure out
who you really are and what you really want? Get out your favorite
notebook and list some things you truly love to do, people you truly
love (and why), and what you think is your purpose here on earth (or
what you'd like that purpose to be). Your answers should give you some
major insights into your core values, beliefs and passions and set you
on the path to greater self-awareness.
Hanging on to stuff
I heard recently that storage units as a business investment are
virtually fail-proof. We've all seen the neat rows of storage
facilities lining the landscape, and no wonder they're popping up
everywhere if they really promise their owners a 97% success rate. But
what's going on with Americans and their stuff? I understand that many
people use these units as a temporary measure when re-locating, but
apparently just as many people are using them for long-term storage.
T.v. shows and magazines are full of organizing tips and professional
organizing businesses are enjoying huge consumer demand. Americans say
they want to be more organized and to have less stuff, yet we're buying
(and keeping) more than ever.
So where do you stand on the
"stuff" issue? Are you happy with the amount of possessions you've
collected over the years or do you feel stifled by it? Do you have
trouble letting go of things? Do you long for less clutter but continue
to collect more stuff? I know a couple who everytime they bring
something new into the house they get rid of something of equal weight.
Another woman I know scours her home for e-bay or charity items once a
month. A great kitchen de-cluttering technique is to put all your
gadgets in a box and whatever you haven't gotten back out of the box
within a month goes to charity.
Sometimes holding on to stuff is
a way to hold on to unhealthy emotions and avoid dealing with real
life. If you are a pack-rat, investigate your motives and your overall
attitude toward your living environment. If you feel overwhelmed by
your possessions, try to tackle one small area at a time. If you feel
happy at peace with your clutter then more power to you!
Bad Habit Busting: Procrastination
How often do you make plans to accomplish a task, make a phone call,
organize your sock drawer, start exercising, eat better, or schedule an
appointment, and then put off the activity until the last possible
moment? or indefinitely? If you answered "often," then you are a
card-carrying member of the procrastination club. Welcome! After all,
procrastination has its benefits. Sometimes if you put something off
long enough it takes care of itself or someone else takes care of it
for you. For adrenaline junkies, procrastination can provide a nice
rush during that last minute panic. Procrastination can protect you
from a sense of failure, because if you fail you can always say "I just
didn't leave myself enough time to do a good job."
However,
procrastination has its costs, or else it wouldn't be considered a bad
habit. Take guilt for instance. Do you regret your procrastination?
Have you ever uttered the words "why do I do this to myself?" or "next
time I'll get started earlier," only to find that "next time" you are
having a really busy week, your kid is sick, your clutch went out,
you're short on cash, etc. Sometimes guilt is a necessary motivator,
but often it just sets off an immobilizing internal struggle and
becomes another excuse for not getting anything done.
So how do
you exit the procrastination train? Try focusing on the benefits of NOT
procrastinating. What is the ultimate goal of the activity you are
avoiding? How will your outlook or circumstances improve by attending
to the task? By staying focused on your goals you avoid getting stuck
in an unproductive cycle of guilt and self-recrimination.
Healthy Relationship Bulding: Listening
Do you ever find yourself tuning out when someone is talking to you? Or
thinking about what story you're going to tell about yourself as soon
as they're finished? Do you finish people's sentences for them or
interrupt frequently? If so, you probably need to polish up your
listening skills. True listening is a major component of any healthy
relationship. "True" listening means paying close attention to the
speaker's language (verbal and non-verbal) and emotional tone. It means
briefly stepping into that person's point of view and it serves to
deepen the trust and nurture the relationship. Ideally you have at
least one person in your life who really listens to you, so you know
how it feels to be heard and validated.
Next time you're in a
hurry or you feel bored by someone's conversation, take a few moments
to clear the clutter from your mind and focus on what the person is
saying, avoiding the common pitfalls of planning what you might say
next or how it relates to your life. Just be curious about that
person's perspective and you might be surprised by the results!
Making time for each other
Despite the many rewards of parenting, the process can take a toll on a
marriage. Sprinkle on the demands of employment, maintaining a home,
spending time with friends and extended family, volunteering, etc., and
you may find yourself consistently putting your mate at the bottom of
your list. A good relationship can take this kind of neglect on a
temporary basis, but it is easy to become complacent. Afterall, if your
spouse can't take it, who can? Often we take our spouse for granted for
exactly that reason: he/she is always there, he/she took vows to stick
around in good times and bad. But do you want your relationship thrive or just eek by? Setting aside quality together time can be challenging
and requires careful planning. It also requires that you honor that
time and fiercely defend it. Put it on the calendar. Good relationships
need regular cleanings and cavity checks!
Here are some ideas to get you started:
--After
the kids go to bed, turn off the t.v., unplug the phone and sit next to
each other on the couch for at least 15 minutes. Commit to being really
present, and using the listening skills discussed in an earlier post.
--Make dinner together once a week.
--Hire a babysitter and go on a hike together (you can take the dog but no other humans)
--Try to go to bed at the same time and tell each other one thing you were grateful for that day.
Penciling yourself in
How many times have
you decided you wanted to do something for yourself (exercise, read,
call a friend, pursue a hobby etc.) and despite your best intentions
found that the “you-time” never materialized? Your life may be
over-scheduled these days and the pre-cell phone days of peace and
escape are no more. But you still have choices, no matter how loudly you say you don’t. Are you living according to your priorities? Are
you spending as much time as you would like to by yourself, with your
kids, just having fun? If not, maybe it is time to consider carving out
time on your calendar for YOU. And I
don’t mean glancing at next Thursday and thinking you might get a free
20 minutes between your business lunch and your staff meeting, or your
kid’s snack time and an afternoon play date. I’m saying CREATE the time, write it down and then fiercely defend it. Because no one else is going to! “But I have a job, I have kids, I have pets,” you say, “and I really don’t have time to waste on myself, it feels selfish.” Yes, I’ve heard it all before, but the time you spend re-fueling your fume-filled tank is never wasted. Taking good care of yourself makes you a happier and more effective person, which benefits everyone in your life.
Take my challenge this month: pencil in (on second thought, use a pen) three 15 minute time slots a week and use them to do something YOU want to do. It can be anything! But it needs to be something that makes you feel good and that honors your true priorities.
Creativity
I just started reading
"Inspiring Creativity," a collection of essays by creativity coaches.
The first chapter addresses some of the blocks we encounter (internally
and externally) when we decide to create. The author begins and ends
the essay with the poignant statement "it's not what we create but that we create." Our creative attempts are often crushed by well-meaning
others "the sun isn't blue, dear" or by our own perfectionistic
tendencies and we end up taking the path of least resistance, which is
of course to avoid creating at all. How many times have you felt the
urge to create something, a
poem, a sketch, a photograph, a few notes of a song? And how many times
have you let the feeling pass with a quick "I'm not really creative" or
"it wouldn't turn out the way I wanted it to anyway?" I think we are
quick to doubt, hesitant to try, unwilling to risk because we have
learned to focus on the what instead of the process of creation. Creativity experts agree that learning to focus on the
process of creating is the key to unlocking our potential and finding
our creative inner voice.
So next time you get that little urge
to create something, just do it! Ignore the nagging voice that tells
you it doesn't matter, that there are more important things to do (like
laundry...hello!). Avoid focusing your attention on the finished
product, just congratulate yourself for scratching the creative itch.
Happy creating!
Exercise Motivation
I've never really been a motivated exerciser. Sure, I have bursts of
motivation like in the old bikini days when I would experience a sudden
burst of motivation in May and watch it dissipate by the middle of
June. And occasionally I'll read an article about hardening of the
arteries and find myself suddenly prioritizing my work-outs. Overall it
is simply an on-going game I play with myself. And exercise often loses
to sleep, food, child-care, social time, you name it. However,
yesterday I was reminded of a little technique which really works for
me. Last night I found myself dreading my morning work-out (yeah, 12
hours before the actual event and I'm complaining about it!) and
considering all the options, especially skipping it and trying to fit
it in later in the day. We all know how well THAT one works. So I
decided to take a more Zen approach and really be "in the moment" while
putting my clothes out for the next day. Something about this simple
exercise caused a small shift in my attitude. It think it had to do
with breaking the task down...taking care of some small part of it
(like choosing clothes and shoes) so the whole thing seems a little
less overwhelming. And it creates intent which essentially points your
wayward mind in the right direction.
So next time you find
yourself dreading your work-out don't try to fight the feeling, just
acknowledge it, take a cleansing breath and go choose a great outfit
for the occasion. Let me know how it goes!
Yes! No? Maybe so.
Every once in awhile a book comes along and knocks me a little
sideways. "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn did for me what every
good non-fiction book should do, which is make me think, question,
worry, and explore my convictions. Kohn debunks a lot of traditional
parenting ideas. He makes a convincing case for abolishing the use of
the rewards/punishment system of parenting and replacing it with
methods that encourage problem solving, child-involvement and loving
kindness. I think every parent should read this book, whether they
agree with it or not. But my goal here isn't to give a synopsis of the
book or to sell copies. My objective today is to share a little pearl
from the book that can be applied to all areas of our lives.
Kohn
encourages us to say "yes" as often as we can. I started thinking about
how many times my toddler hears "no" on a daily basis and I'm
uncomfortable with the answer. Sometimes even good parents get stuck in
a "no" rut, especially with toddlers, who are inevitably drawn to the
most dangerous, dirty or expensive items in the room. Kohn suggests
that we only say no when we have absolutely solid reasons for doing so
(like immediate safety issues).
How many times a day do you say
no to your kids, your pets, your significant other, yourself? Next time
you're about to say "no" (to that game of cards, dinner out, a walk in
the park, a phone call), consider changing your answer to yes. Examine
your automatic "no's." Are your reasons for saying it rock-solid? If
not, maybe you're closing yourself (or your kids) off from potentially
valuable experiences. Just say yes!
